For anyone: Background story
This series of posts may cover a lot of topics, but my mind and heart have definitely been on a journey for a few months. In order to catch you up, I think it's easiest if I start from the beginning!
In January we moved about 10 minutes down the road from a house and neighborhood that we loved. I will catch you up on those details with an entirely different blog post, because it's a great story. We moved right after Christmas break, and then the snow hit. The kids were home for 10 days--it was nice to not have to get up early and pack lunches, but it also put a dent in my getting settled. Throw in multiple battles with lice for one child (which means doing a knit comb daily and tons of laundry and vacuuming) I literally would stare at my messy kitchen while I spent two hours combing through her hair. Then it was 10:00pm, and I just wanted to go to bed. Let's just say by mid-February I was starting to feel a bit crazy from being overwhelmed.
Somewhere in there the line from the old hymn "All to Jesus I surrender" popped into my head. I froze when I sung those words aloud. Those words felt so weighty and real this particular time, and I even asked aloud--what does that mean? I felt like I had surrendered everything to get the house ready to sell, show it for 3 months while living there and make the move to a new house. I knew not to make my own plans. I knew that whatever we owned was ultimately His. I felt like I had surrendered many times in my life to follow God's leading when it didn't make sense to me, so I know how to surrender, right? This question bothered me for a few days. Lord, what is it that I still need to surrender? I also knew that I might have to wait for this answer to come in time.
By the end of March and the first week of April the shame of not having my house (or car) together was starting to weigh me down. We had company stay with us and babysitters and a college group meeting in our bonus room. This meant the status quo couldn't be a secret. I just accepted the humility that came with exposing reality. The daily struggles of car repairs, sick kids, lice, getting groceries, cooking meals, stopping by our old house every day before closing, and decisions about homeschooling all crept up on me. I honestly felt an utter dependence on God each hour to get me through the minimum I needed to do, because I felt at the end of my rope. I was truly thankful for how miraculously sometimes things just came together in the last minute--all because I cried out for God's grace to help me. Meanwhile I wanted to work my Plexus business so badly (because I love it), but there just wasn't an inch of time. Guilt over not leading me team well added to my already heavy shame.
I write this intro to let you know, no matter what you're feeling today, you are not alone! My purpose is not to make people feel badly that I was having this internal struggle--but to shed light on what's in my heart and what God is revealing. Outwardly most people probably didn't know. And I am definitely one that believes in transparency and honesty, so I wasn't trying to trick people. (hence the purpose of this blog). I don't think I knew how to articulate it, because I didn't even understand my own feelings. To be honest, there were days that I felt like crying over the pressure I felt. Maybe it was scheduling or things that just had to be done on top of having to drop everything to tend to the lice issue that would rear its ugly head about the time I thought we were done. Again, don't feel sorry for me; this is not the point--I didn't even tell Scott that I felt this way. I had admitted some to a couple of friends who I knew could relate. I knew I was technically doing the "right thing" by crying out to God every minute of every day "Lord, help me,"and He was faithful to help me get through each hurdle. Somehow, though, by mid-April the shame I felt about my house and also about being so insecure about it was suffocating me. Every time I would try to organize something, I would uncover something I should have taken care of, and it would add even more shame. I always rationalized that some people have perfectly kept houses as a strength and my strength was relating to people. Family, Cradled ladies that I pour into and follow-up with, friends. These are always life-giving for me. But I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't get it together. I knew I had all sorts of reasons why, but I also knew that "so-and-so" was working a business, managing 3 kids but somehow her kitchen always looked clean. I know I'm not an efficient person. I'm just not. I also knew God created me this way so I shouldn't loathe this part of me. I know my strengths, and I have confidence in them. I know God loves me, but do I really? Do I really trust that? I had never doubted this in my life, but things in my head just weren't adding up.
I can testify that by last Thursday morning I felt like the voices in my head were going to drive me crazy. I was starting to get so confused about myself and the conversation in my mind. Is this what depression feels like? What if I have a mental illness and don't have self-awareness like I thought I did? I had so much insecurity and shame piled on that I wanted to either cry or I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was such a strange place for me, (more on that next post). I had breakfast last Thursday morning with a person I had never hung out with. We had been on the schedule a few weeks ago but had to change it. Our conversation was a turning point for me, and I have not felt the same. I have felt free again.
I can't wait to share the rest of the story; I truly hope it helps you, too. Subscribe to keep updated!
In January we moved about 10 minutes down the road from a house and neighborhood that we loved. I will catch you up on those details with an entirely different blog post, because it's a great story. We moved right after Christmas break, and then the snow hit. The kids were home for 10 days--it was nice to not have to get up early and pack lunches, but it also put a dent in my getting settled. Throw in multiple battles with lice for one child (which means doing a knit comb daily and tons of laundry and vacuuming) I literally would stare at my messy kitchen while I spent two hours combing through her hair. Then it was 10:00pm, and I just wanted to go to bed. Let's just say by mid-February I was starting to feel a bit crazy from being overwhelmed.
Somewhere in there the line from the old hymn "All to Jesus I surrender" popped into my head. I froze when I sung those words aloud. Those words felt so weighty and real this particular time, and I even asked aloud--what does that mean? I felt like I had surrendered everything to get the house ready to sell, show it for 3 months while living there and make the move to a new house. I knew not to make my own plans. I knew that whatever we owned was ultimately His. I felt like I had surrendered many times in my life to follow God's leading when it didn't make sense to me, so I know how to surrender, right? This question bothered me for a few days. Lord, what is it that I still need to surrender? I also knew that I might have to wait for this answer to come in time.
By the end of March and the first week of April the shame of not having my house (or car) together was starting to weigh me down. We had company stay with us and babysitters and a college group meeting in our bonus room. This meant the status quo couldn't be a secret. I just accepted the humility that came with exposing reality. The daily struggles of car repairs, sick kids, lice, getting groceries, cooking meals, stopping by our old house every day before closing, and decisions about homeschooling all crept up on me. I honestly felt an utter dependence on God each hour to get me through the minimum I needed to do, because I felt at the end of my rope. I was truly thankful for how miraculously sometimes things just came together in the last minute--all because I cried out for God's grace to help me. Meanwhile I wanted to work my Plexus business so badly (because I love it), but there just wasn't an inch of time. Guilt over not leading me team well added to my already heavy shame.
I write this intro to let you know, no matter what you're feeling today, you are not alone! My purpose is not to make people feel badly that I was having this internal struggle--but to shed light on what's in my heart and what God is revealing. Outwardly most people probably didn't know. And I am definitely one that believes in transparency and honesty, so I wasn't trying to trick people. (hence the purpose of this blog). I don't think I knew how to articulate it, because I didn't even understand my own feelings. To be honest, there were days that I felt like crying over the pressure I felt. Maybe it was scheduling or things that just had to be done on top of having to drop everything to tend to the lice issue that would rear its ugly head about the time I thought we were done. Again, don't feel sorry for me; this is not the point--I didn't even tell Scott that I felt this way. I had admitted some to a couple of friends who I knew could relate. I knew I was technically doing the "right thing" by crying out to God every minute of every day "Lord, help me,"and He was faithful to help me get through each hurdle. Somehow, though, by mid-April the shame I felt about my house and also about being so insecure about it was suffocating me. Every time I would try to organize something, I would uncover something I should have taken care of, and it would add even more shame. I always rationalized that some people have perfectly kept houses as a strength and my strength was relating to people. Family, Cradled ladies that I pour into and follow-up with, friends. These are always life-giving for me. But I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't get it together. I knew I had all sorts of reasons why, but I also knew that "so-and-so" was working a business, managing 3 kids but somehow her kitchen always looked clean. I know I'm not an efficient person. I'm just not. I also knew God created me this way so I shouldn't loathe this part of me. I know my strengths, and I have confidence in them. I know God loves me, but do I really? Do I really trust that? I had never doubted this in my life, but things in my head just weren't adding up.
I can testify that by last Thursday morning I felt like the voices in my head were going to drive me crazy. I was starting to get so confused about myself and the conversation in my mind. Is this what depression feels like? What if I have a mental illness and don't have self-awareness like I thought I did? I had so much insecurity and shame piled on that I wanted to either cry or I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was such a strange place for me, (more on that next post). I had breakfast last Thursday morning with a person I had never hung out with. We had been on the schedule a few weeks ago but had to change it. Our conversation was a turning point for me, and I have not felt the same. I have felt free again.
I can't wait to share the rest of the story; I truly hope it helps you, too. Subscribe to keep updated!
Comments
Post a Comment